Picture it: Macedon, 330 BC. The air is thick with the scent of olive oil and ambition. At the heart of it all is Alexander the Great, a man who has never met a piece of land he didn't want to add to his burgeoning empire. But this is not the Alexander of dusty history books, oh no. This Alexander has an Instagram account depicting every triumph, every siege, every decadent feast. Lights! Camera! Hashtags!
Setting the Scene
Let us not forget that Alexander was the OG influencer even without Wi-Fi. His charisma was undeniable, his military genius unparalleled. Now, add a smartphone with 5G coverage (provided by MobiTech of Macedon, naturally), and you've got a recipe for a digital takeover the likes of which the ancient world could not have fathomed.
The #ConquerorChallenge
Alexander's foray into social media would kick off with the viral #ConquerorChallenge. Think TikTok dance craze, but instead of shuffle-dances, participants reenact famous battle strategies of Alexander like the Battle of Gaugamela. Those who perform an immaculately timed phalanx will be rewarded with likes, admiration, and perhaps a stern nod of approval from Alexander himself, immortalised in a snazzy GIF.
A Tweet a Day Keeps the Rivals Away
If there's anything Alexander knew, it was the art of cultivating a narrative. His Twitter page would become a digital campfire where thousands could gather to hear of his exploits. Tweets would range from profound battle insights, "Warriors! A made phalanx is the greatest dance party you’ll ever attend! #StepToConquer", to humblebragging about the latest city added to his empire, "Just checked into Persepolis. Great place. Love what they’ve done with the columns. #ConquerorApproved."
Instagram: The Visual Odyssey
Ever the visionary, Alexander's Instagram would be a masterpiece of curated glory. Highlights of his feed would include enviable shots from the peaks of Mount Olympus, "Post-Siege Selfies," and brunch spreads that put mere mortal culinary efforts to shame. Chef Heraclius, renowned for his ambrosian tzatziki, would undoubtedly see a surge in followers thanks to strategic tag partnerships.
Facebook Events and Inviting the World
Facebook would serve as Alexander's go-to tool for event planning. Need to mobilize thousands for a last-minute siege? No problem; send out an invite with a casual "Conquer & Chill" event page. Looking to foster a sense of community? "Join our Macedonian Marauders group to exchange tips on terraforming your neighbours’ lands into vassal states."
Crowdsourcing Strategy with Reddit
Reddit’s r/ConquestQueries would be a hotbed for military strategy threads. Alexander’s involvement would range from thoughtful AMAs ("How do you balance work and domesticating elephants for warfare?") to engaging debates with internet trolls demanding he "git gud" at global domination. Known for his tenacity, Alexander would utilise crowdsourced opinions to refine his campaigns and might even launch merch: "I Conquer Whole Empires, What’s Your Superpower?" mugs, anyone?
Humblebrags and Hashtags
#AlexanderEffect would trend globally, becoming synonymous with confidence, ambition, and an affinity for adopting cute namesakes like Alexandria. His opponents would be left reeling, scrolling through their feeds at night with a mixture of envy and admiration. After all, few could match the sheer spectacle of an empire built with both sword and social engagement.
Closing Thoughts
In this scintillating flash of "What if?", we can see an Alexander not just as an ancient war hero, but as the ultimate progenitor of social empires. Each like, post, and tweet contributing to the tapestry of history that he weaved with iron, strategic ingenuity, and now digital charm. As we moderns often say, "Pics or it didn't happen." With Alexander, we’d have the pics – and what tales they would tell.
