Ah, the Great Fire of London, one of those epic eyebrow-singeing disasters that helped shape the contours of Britain's capital like a celestial artist with a penchant for urban design. Famously igniting in a baker’s shop on Pudding Lane in 1666, it ravenously devoured the heart of the medieval city over several days, blazing a not-too-glorious trail through London’s timbered streets. But, dear readers, take a moment to imagine if this infamous conflagration had not just been the stuff of historical legend, but the viral sensation of its time, broadcast live, with Pudding Lane’s fiery misfortunes taking centre screen!
The Great Fire, Now in Stunning High Definition!
Let’s set the scene: it’s a balmy September evening in 17th-century London. Our modern contraption of choice, the live-stream, is primed and ready to capture the drama unfolding across the capital. If you’re thinking TikTok, reel it back a few centuries for something more akin to a fiery Facebook Live.
As the flames begin licking hungrily up the side of Thomas Farriner’s wooden bakehouse, the Family Farriner quickly abandon their loaves and vacate the premises. Unbeknownst to them, a network of streams has commenced, with our brave citizen-journalists relaying a blow-by-blow account of the inferno’s relentless advance. The city, suddenly aghast at the sight of old St. Paul’s Cathedral going up in a more significant puff of smoke than your nan's sage and onion stuffing at Christmas, is caught both in shock and mesmerized awe, "Wow!" moments galore as hushed voices gasp from hastily brandished spectacles-cum-cameraphones.
Fire Fails and Hashtag Heroics
And then, the hashtags arrive, oh, how they arrive! #LondonIsBurning trends, rapidly outflaming such erstwhile mundane matters as #PlaguePLZNo and #WhereBeYeJarOfPickles. Humphrey the Hawker livens up the feed with his accidentally comedic attempts at vlogging while “trying not to get seriously crisped!” His perennially unlucky donkey, Dobbin, makes unwelcome cameos in the cinematic backdrop.
Boot blackers, bucklers, and busybodies all concede a break from their labours to join in on the excitement, posting cheeky updates from the fiery frontlines. While some are busy pondering whether to save the family heirlooms or merely those infernal tax receipts, others are quick to break out the pretend marshmallows because, truth be told, who can resist a good singed snack?
The Rise of the Influencer
Of course, every tragedy needs its protagonists, and enter stage right, the original influencer, King Charles II! Decked in suitably kingly attire, think bejewelled crown, splendidly tailored boots, king's ruff, and all the sartorial grandeur of a Netflix costume drama, he captures the world’s attention with his regal livestreaming prowess. His much-publicised skirmishes with the blaze leave an indelible mark on the viewing public as they hashtag ferociously for their sovereign saviour. #KingSocialSupreme, anyone?
From atop his safe perch, our dear monarch bravely dispatches fuming cries of encouragement and instruction, urging firefighters and fellow Londoners both to “Save our stones!” and “Reduce thy flames!” Audience members, charmed by his heroic antics, flood the comments section with memes of Charles wearing a mock-firefighter’s helmet, leading the charge like England’s very own noble TikTok king!
Survival Skills and Streaming Sensations
Over the course of the inferno’s unstoppable days-long rampage, another unlikely star emerges: Samuel Pepys, dotting down meticulous diary entries faster than his quill can quite spit ink. Ever the methodical man, Pepys becomes something of a mercurial vlogger for the ages, live-streaming his madcap dash into the chaos to bury his beloved parmesan cheese and wine with all the dedication of a millennial striving to save their flat whites.
Pepys’ channel sees an overnight spike in subscribers, thanks to his breezy how-to bits on salvaging family cheese collections amidst inevitable conflagrations! A feature surely destined to outlast both fire extinguishers and drones in viral infamy.
A Blink, A Blaze, and Social Media’s Afterglow
Alas, just as the flames that consumed London eventually met their damp demise, so too must our speculative séance conclude. What strange and marvellous commentary might have survived from such charred chronicles preserved through the miracle of modern social media, we wonder?
In this curious reimagining, perhaps the Great Fire would have elucidated moments otherwise unsung, offering us both poignant pause and incredulous sniggers at the thought of a city ignited twice, once by flame, and again by the click of a camera. So the next time your toast edges perilously close to incendiary glory, spare a thought for those souls of yore, armed not with coping mechanisms of AI, but the valiant pursuit of cinematic realism.
What would it have been like to livestream the Great Fire of London, you ask? Probably equal parts horror, history, and hilarity, a fitting muse for another week of whimsical storytelling from your curious friend, Timewarp Terry, where we stitch together the past, one streaming imagination at a time!
