Imagine this, dear reader: it’s 49 BCE, and our good friend Julius Caesar is not only traversing the Rubicon with his army but also with a brand-new smartphone in hand. Yes, that’s right, Caesar armed with a device that can do more magic than any Roman toga trick. Today, we’ll unfurl the scrolls of time and take a humorous peek into how Caesar’s legendary conquest might have been transformed in the Instagram age.
Rome was built in a day... or one selfie?
The Rubicon-crossing tale begins with Caesar standing at the riverbank, fresh toga nicely pressed, pondering the weighty decision to defy the Roman Senate. With a personal mantra to “acta non verba” (actions speak louder than words), wouldn't our dear Julius relish the chance to immortalise his bravery with a well-framed selfie? Enter #CaesarSeizesTheDay, a trending hashtag that would literally break the Internet of the ancient world.
The very act of crossing the Rubicon, which was meant to be a clandestine endeavour, now transformed into a series of Instagram Stories. Rivals and allies alike could track his progress through a curated feed of scenic river crossings and cheeky captions like, "When in Rome, but when across the Rubicon!" or "Channeling my inner rebel. #CrossingInStyle". One could only imagine the Senate’s frantic WhatsApp group chats dealing with this unexpected PR campaign.
Filters and filters, and army 'filtas'
Now picture Caesar, charming as ever, adding the perfect filter to each image to make the river look a tad more menacing or his army a whole lot larger. “Valencia or X-Pro II?” he ponders, turning conquests into curated art. Suddenly, siegecraft and selfies merge, with the Emper-or-soon-to-be posting a boomerang of a catapult launch accompanied by the caption "What goes up, must come down... (onto Pompey's legion)". The legendary tactician’s visual storytelling skills get opposing sides double-tapping for more.
Influencing the influencers
Political manoeuvring, historically a game of clandestine meetings and whispered words, becomes an open forum of Instagram Reels and TikTok dances. Caesar wouldn't ignore the power of the influencer. With every like, post, and meme, he sways opinions faster than you can say "Veni, vidi, vici". This is no simple conquest; it’s a cleverly curated campaign.
How long before Caesar’s arch-enemies, Cato and Cicero, start their own competitive vlog series to counter the digital deluge of Julius’s charm? “Cicero’s Concerns” and “Cato’s Curiosities” might offer entertaining counter-narratives to attract followers loyal to the Republic's cause.
Swipe right for greatness or betrayal
Alliances weren't merely forged and forgotten, they were practically written in pixels. In a moment of genius, one can almost see Caesar sliding into Cleopatra’s DMs. Who wouldn’t want to swipe right on an Egyptian queen with an army and a knack for political shrewdness?
With each diplomatic dalliance shared via a cheeky Instagram post, "The Nile is nice, but Cleopatra's nicer", Caesar ensures these alliances are as visually captivating as they are politically expedient.
Stories that don't disappear within 24 hours
The real kicker about being a Roman influencer? Legacy. While most Instagram Stories evaporate into cyberspace within a day, Caesar’s narratives would be archived indefinitely. Imagine historians of today not needing to unfurl brittle parchments kept in dusty tomes, but instead scrolling through meticulously preserved Instagram feeds. Each double-tap, each witty interjection, a part of the rich tapestry of history being documented in real time.
In our whimsical wander through this alternate reality, it is crystal clear that Caesar’s charisma would not have been confined to scrolls and stories. His exploits, framed and favoured through the lens of a smartphone, would have crafted a narrative that even time itself would struggle to forget. And so, we conclude our journey, pondering the impact of modern technology on age-old ambitions and reminding ourselves that history as we know it is but a snapshot in the ever-evolving reel of time.
Until next we time-warp, stay curious and don’t forget: Not all who wander are lost; some are just looking for a good Wi-Fi signal!
