The year is 1215, and England is buzzing with excitement in its own medieval way. Picture it: King John, infamous for his less-than-kingly rapacity, is about to be cornered into signing the Magna Carta, a document that would go on to change the course of history. Now imagine if, instead of leather-bound scrolls and wax seals, King John and the rebellious barons had to wrangle their demands over the humble yet almighty smartphone. Sit tight, dear reader, as Timewarp Terry takes you through this technologically twisted alternate reality!
The Setup: Cast Your Minds Back
It’s 15 June, and the fields of Runnymede are throwing their finest “by royal decree” picnic party, albeit with a tense undercurrent. King's men loitering around trying to look stern, barons practising nonchalant arm crossing, everything’s in place for a quintessential medieval showdown.
In a classic "who's-late-to-the-party" fashion, King John arrives, but not in a gilded carriage. No, our beleaguered king saunters in, eyes glued to his smartphone, earplugs nestled like tiny heralds of distraction. Texts pinging away; it appears Queen Isabella wants to know who raided the royal pantry last night. Spoiler: it was definitely the pageboys on a "work break."
The Negotiations
As the gathering commences, the barons start a Where’s My Charter group chat on ‘Ye Olde WhatsApp’. Each baron, sporting the latest "iron-clad case" for their respective devices, crafts a listing of demands more wordy than a medieval monk's manuscript.
"Article 39 to 62:" Our rights need some serious chivalry. #FeudalFreedom, they post, offering proud selfies alongside their family heralds. ‘Tis the birth of medieval meme culture!
King John, in an attempt to channel his inner influencer, pops onto ‘Instahistoriam’. He tries snap-filter negotiation, there's something about a donkey nose and ears that make decrees somewhat less formidable. #MedievalMonarchInCrisis
The Stalling Tactics
Ah, the sweet art of procrastination, as ancient as humanity itself but now enhanced with a digital flair. King John takes full advantage of his smartphone’s predictive text and voice assistant, having Siri ponderously "paratext" an autocorrected Magna Carta.
“No, no, I meant ‘justice,’ not ‘Justin’s party,’ Siri.” Thus passed another three hours where mulled wine and honey mead flowed perhaps too freely in a field full of disgruntled aristocrats.
The Phone Numbers Game
Realising he’s outmanned not by identity but by contacts, King John rings up his own League of Extraordinary Courtiers to bolster support. Yet, a misdial connects him to the French embassy, causing confusion, awkward national apologies, and a hastily set up diplomatic conference call.
In stark contrast, savvy barons share QR codes of their demands in one great middle-fingered gesture of unified voicemails. In the hot-handed chaos, Baron FitzWalter exclaims, "Wouldst it were as easy to call forth serfs as it is to call Facetime!?"
"Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours!"
Despite tech hiccups and the ongoing debate over whether a selfie constitutes a legal signature, the moment arrives. Using a stylus (discreetly disguised as a quill), King John digitally signs his name. Document cameras click away, capturing the historically certified awkward wrist twist of a king authorising something he barely skim-read.
Similarly, witnesses gather their own virtual scrolls, adding thumbprints to the PDF version, with the barons uploading, like diligent knights of the Xerox table, all gloriously live-streamed for posterity on YeTube.
The Aftermath
The scandal of the tweet thrums through courts across Europe, "@KingJohn1215 has agreed to do what now?! #CharteredGoals." Meanwhile, the digital Magna Carta, now immortalised across the cyber-moonscape, immediately goes viral. Who ever thought that medieval revolt could use a social media manager?
And there it is, the signing of the Magna Carta, a 60-clause text that launched a thousand RTs. History's course, like a smartphone's battery power, forever changed.
Oh, what a tale it would have been! And so, dear reader, as you power down your own digital devices, spare a thought for the past that never was, that intoxicating blend of ancient deeds with modern dazzle.
