Ah, Cleopatra. A woman whose allure has transcended millennia, whose life reads like a soap opera with a tragic finale, and whose dramatic eyeliner game remains unrivalled. But what if we swapped her papyrus scrolls for a smartphone and gave her access to TikTok? I can almost hear the scroll of a thousand styluses pausing in curious anticipation!
Picture this: the year is 30 BC. Alexandria’s marketplaces are bustling with life, the scent of exotic spices wafting through the air, and the River Nile flowing with the secrets of ancient Egypt. Except, now there’s an electric hum in the air, a rhythm propelled by none other than our Egyptian goddess herself, Cleopatra, with her iPhone camera perfectly capturing the chaos and charm of her kingdom.
Cleo's Absolutely Fabulous Fashion Videos
It all starts with Cleopatra’s fashion vlogs. Move over influencers, there’s a new Queen Bee in town. With every sashay down the palace halls, clad in intricately embroidered robes and adorned with mesmerising jewellery, Cleopatra captivates the digital realm. "Watch how I style my sacred asp armband," she chirps, as her followers frantically hit the like button. Cleopatra, of course, drops her own hashtag, #EternalElegance.
And let’s not forget the infamous eyeliner tutorial that sends her popularity to the stars (and the pyramids). "Nothing’s complete without a stroke of kohl," she insists, as her viewers try to recreate her legendary winged look. Accidental eye pokes and smudged cheeks are entirely optional.
Love Triangles and Drama Reels
A TikTok trajectory isn’t complete without a whiff of drama, naturally encouraged by Cleopatra herself. Her triadic romance with Julius Caesar and Mark Antony creates the kind of views most content creators only dream about. Imagine a dance-off between Caesar, Antony, and Cleopatra: cue daggers (thankfully represented solely by emojis here) and witty captions galore. "Why be loyal to one consul when you have Rome’s a-fleeting attention?"
Her followers gobble it up. Cue dramatic music, slow-motion entrances, and heartfelt speeches that fit within 60 seconds. All staged on the majestic Nile's banks, because Cleo knows that setting is everything.
Cleopatra’s Rollout for Roman Followers
Cleopatra, ever-cunning, understands the power of social media virality. She leverages TikTok to connect with her Roman audience, delivering rapid political diatribes designed to resonate with younger audiences in Pompey and Capri alike. "My dear Romans," she declares with perfect poise, "don’t you want a cooler empire? Like, mine?" Although she does not delve into exact financial plans, a mere mention of reducing slave banquets gets her audience swooning.
Q&As at the Oasis
As it turns out, Cleopatra’s also immensely fond of the TikTok live chat feature, embarking on leisurely Q&As situated by her lavishly decadent oasis. Viewer: Cleopatra, will you ever come to the new festival in Tusculum? Cleopatra: "Of course! I’ll even bring my asp-y little friend, Motan. He promises not to bite… unless asked. 😘"
A Royal Legacy of Likes
Would Cleopatra have met her tragic, albeit poetic demise, had she been beloved by a billion TikTokers? It’s hard to say. Does the power of social media clout hold sway over political machinations? Perhaps so, maybe the queen would have staged her own reality show instead, Keeping Up with the Cleopatras.
Alas, life on TikTok for the Queen of the Nile might have added an intriguing twist to her tale, a viral chapter in the annals of history missing an empire-ocalypse of gossip and glory. Whether she monopolised memes or created an aesthetic revolution, one thing is certain: she would have been un-pharaoh-gettable.
