Ah, the bubonic plague, or as historians fondly refer to it, the Black Death, a grim chapter from the mid-14th century best known for eradicating an unprecedented percentage of Europe's population. But what if this harrowing tale of horror and hardship had a little help from the 21st century's biggest social media platform? Enter Twitter, the place where people share everything from their breakfast bagels to breaking news. Now, let us journey into this peculiar pandemical paradox where hashtags and high fevers collide.
Pandemic Hashtags and Trending Topics
Imagine waking up in 1347, yawn and stretch, and reaching for your phone, only to find that #PlaguePanic is trending globally. Halfway through your morning ale, you’d notice that most of the tweets would probably be scaremongering memes about how to spot the plague, like “If you feel ashen, bad news for ye, you’re probably pox-ridden!” Such tweets would have had lurid GIFs of bubonic boils dancing across screens nationwide.
As rumours spread faster than the illness itself, enterprising citizens would've taken to the Twittersphere with unfounded cures and dubious home remedies. One might have tweeted, “Rub duckweed on your infected bits and say a prayer to St. Anthony. Trust me, I did, and my boils burst by Friday.” #DuckweedDelights anyone?
Royal Retweets and Noble Notifications
And where were the monarchs, you ask? No doubt tightening their exquisite silk masks, their royal highnesses would command their subjects via carefully crafted 280-character dictums. King Edward III’s Twitter handle, @EdTheThird, might declare, “Keep to your hovels, worship Steven the Sanitary with soap and hot water. All of ye!” with a royal seal emoji to punctuate the sentiment.
Naturally, Pope Clement VI would've utilised his vast Twitter following by retweeting messages of divine protection or more advisable social distancing measures. #SaintsSaveUs would dominate the Vatican’s trending topics, and perhaps a picture of a chalice in a mask would go viral.
Influencers and Hawks of Doom
In this twisted timeline, plague doctors, beaked masks and all, would rise to influencer status. Accounts like @DocPlagueBeak would ping notifications with sage advice: “Feeling poorly? Maintain a two-pike distance from all neighbours! #DoomSocialDistance.” The account would quickly amass followers, keen on gathering whatever scrap of perceived wisdom could save them from crossing the River Styx prematurely.
Meanwhile, food hawkers, famed for their chants in bustling markets, would rebrand themselves as e-vendors, tweeting out, “Freshest fish and crispest bread, delivered to your door. DM for orders! #YeOldeDelivery.”
The Twits and the Tweets
Of course, not all tweets would resonate with the decorum one might hope for during mass demise. Tales of dark humour would emerge, with sarcastic tweets like, “If you’ve not got the plague, then bloody marry me!” pocking timelines like an ill-considered asterisk on a scroll. Gallows humour would proliferate at an indomitable rate, with Twitter serving as an outlet for all those cheeky souls defying the shroud of sorrow with laughter.
And so, despite the temperature climbing indoors from countless lit hearths and outdoors with ever-rising fears, the medieval populace would connect like never before, and all through the power of a tweet. As the pestilence lurked and lingered, at least tech would gift our history-strung heroes a semblance of connectivity.
Closing the Coffin
In conclusion, while Twitter would not have extinguished the pestilence itself, it certainly could have provided a dose of humanity’s most enduring antidote, laughter and connection, proof, perhaps, that no matter how painful the burden, the plague need not have the last word. As always, dear readers, what we glean from these whimsical what-ifs is how technology, with all its silliness and splendour, might have given those historical arcs new nuances.
So next time you scroll through your feed, spare a moment’s ponderance for our plague-ridden predecessors and what mirth they might’ve unearthed with a little birdie chirping in their ears. #TimewarpTerrySigningOff
