Picture this: it’s 1666, and London is about as ablaze as a failed soufflé. Thomas Farriner’s bakery has inadvertently ignited what will become the Great Fire of London. But what if, amidst the crackling flames and mounting panic, the good citizens of London had smartphones? Would the capital have been reduced to a smouldering rubble, or would the fire have fizzled out faster than my enthusiasm for a New Year’s resolution?
The Scene Is Set
It all started, of course, on Pudding Lane, because where else would a disaster of epic proportions begin but near a place named after dessert? Thomas Farriner, the proprietor, accidentally played with fire and lost. As we know, fire’s such a greedy little thing - give it an inch and it’ll take the whole block.
Now imagine if smartphones had existed. Farriner could have had a handy ‘Alert the Neighbours’ app on his iPhone 13th Century Edition. One push notification and within moments, baker-turned-flame-whisperer Thomas might have quashed history's culinary calamity.
Swipe Left on Disaster
The residents of London would no longer rely on the frantic bell-ringing and wistful hopes that the wind would be in their favour. Instead, they’d open their fire notification apps quicker than you can say "s'more casualties," resisting the flames - embodied as their ex from Tinder - thanks to advances in the power of push.
Let’s be real here, calling the fire brigade by iLuminare app might have had the awkward downside of cry-wolf waggery where practical jokers, not unlike my Uncle Bernard, would have had it send alerts left, right, and possibly centre. But when flames reached the rooftops, a cheeky group text - “Oi, grab water!” - might well have curbed destruction.
Flameproof Tweets
This affair would have provided the perfect feed for twittering twits, social media blowing up with #LondonIsLit. Tech-savvy Samuel Pepys could have live-tweeted from his app, illuminating the tragedy with both his wit and eyewitness account: "@PepysScribe: Just fed my cheese to the flames, wish it was a gouda day!”
Pepys and his contemporaries might also have utilised Snapchat to capture volatile flames in fleeting, 10-second clips. Naturally, #FireFilters could have swept the nation’s youth into feverish fervour, but there’s no doubt Wood Lane wouldn’t be quite so warmed if Instagram posed a question asking “Did you save historic London?” and wayfaring influencers obliged.
Fire and Rescue: The Game
Augmented reality, with gameplay like Pokemon Go but decidedly less full of charonyms, would have sent hordes rushing through blazing streets. Citizens equipped with smartphones would assemble in real time to target and extinguish fireballs instead of catching digital deformed rodents. If only those mobs that stormed the Baileys had water pistols with embers in their sights!
The Afterburn
In this smartphone-driven scenario, we could foresee a drastically reduced casualty count with Londoners emerging victorious with only smudged soot on their face filters. St Paul’s Cathedral might still have been consumed by flames, but at least the aesthetic demolition could have been mitigated with photos and commentary immortalising its former glory.
Naturally, we must anticipate the "smartphone fail" factor: waning batteries, terrible reception, inadvertently activating airplane mode. Imagine the terror in realising that London's destiny teetered on the verge of a low battery, like when one’s phone is on 1% during the football finals, and the charger is, inconveniently, nowhere to hand.
Conclusion
Smartphones may not have transformed the Great Fire of London into a wistful candlelight, but in this reimagined 1666, digital technology might have granted mercy upon the tormented city. We’ll never know if a pocket-sized portal of miracles could have spared the capital from fiery fate - but it certainly fuels our imaginations, proving once again that the simplest “what if?” can spark more than just historical conjecture. Until next time, dear readers, may your firewalls be stout and your push notifications properly supervised. Cheers!
