Ah, Julius Caesar! General, statesman, and a man who made his name synonymous with salad dressing. But what if, dear readers, he had a smartphone in ancient Rome? Let’s venture into an alternative timeline where the Roman Empire wasn't just about building roads but also about managing online trolls.
Beware the ideas of March (on Twitter)
Picture the scene: The Ides of March approaches, but instead of knives, the Senate plots with hashtags. 'Brutus', trending overnight, would have less to do with betrayal and more with the latest viral meme depicting a cat dressed in a toga. Julius, meanwhile, lounges in his villa, scrolling through his feed, oblivious to the swirling likes and retweets conspiring against him.
In our imagined Appian Way, the Forum is abuzz with Julius’s latest tweet: "Just conquered Gaul. PM me for ambassadorship inquiries! #Winning #CaesarConquests”
Social media campaigning: #Caesar2020
Let’s not overlook the ways Caesar could utilise social media to sweep his way through the Roman political landscape. Forget aged, dusty speeches in the Senate; instead, imagine political debates settled through Caesar’s meticulously edited Instagram videos. "Here’s me crossing the Rubicon: #YOLO."
Brutus might respond with Snapchat filters overlaying Julius’s head with a donkey’s ears, accompanied by, "Why follow a man who lacks hindsight?" The public reaction would be swift: half of Rome would subscribe to Caesar’s YouTube channel, 'Dictator Diaries', while others bombard his comments section demanding more transparency.
Viral victories on the app battlefield
Julius' military campaigns would be nothing short of cinematic. Forget carrier pigeons; now, it’s all about drones capturing sweeping views of the legion’s formations. Roman soldiers, brandishing GoPro helmets, live-stream their steadfast march through the Gauls. With the commentary provided by caesar_realdeal24, the viewers at home, the Senate stuck in another hashtag battle, can taste the battlefield experience from the safety of their villas.
Caesar himself quickly masters the art of PR campaigns using livestreams. Instead of reading tribunes’s scrolls, Romans from Londinium to Alexandria watch him enact strategies via livestream on 'Julius’s Strategic Shenanigans'. Why risk his neck on a battlefield when he could lead an arm-chair conquest, sipping vintage Falernian wine?
Rome: the ultimate reality show
Roman politics is thrilling when viewed through the lens of reality TV. Uproar in the Senate? Add a laugh track. Military campaigns failing? Cue the tearful contessa clutching a marble bust of Julius, bemoaning the war’s effect on her exotic pet ostrich business. Each episode of 'Keeping Up with the Caesars' ends on a cliff-hanger, “Is Brutus cheating at the Colosseum games?”
With every political scandal, Caesar strategically orchestrates a new public event: Gladiator Duel-live streams, where his own gladiator influencers engage in scripted battles. These digital distractions mean that the battle for Rome’s future isn't just in the Senate chambers but upon the pixelated sands of the Colosseum, attractively placed between adverts for olive oil infused bath bomb-baths.
Rosy predictions, thorny consequences
But beware, Julius! The world of digital empires can be as chaotic as crossing the Rubicon. Excessive screen time detracts from governance, and policy might slip between Caesar’s fingers like sand through an hourglass app. Plus, handling the inevitable trolls, who criticise him for every failed bread and circus program, could push a power-hungry emperor to new schemes.
Historians might ponder, "How would the reign of Julius Caesar have been different if he’d spent more time monitoring forums than forming republicums(republics)?"
Yet, dear reader, let us not dwell on missed opportunities. Instead, we imagine Rome’s infinite potential in the hands of the ultimate influencer, whose aqueduct-clickbait could build both followers and water supply systems.
Caesar once said, "veni, vidi, vici,", he came, he saw, he conquered. And in this twisted version of history, perhaps he'd add: "I posted about it, too."
