Picture the scene: the dust of battle settles as the sun dips lazily below the horizon, painting the canvas of history with its golden brush. Amidst the fading clang of the swords, a young Macedonian king stands victorious, his ambitions as crusty as the sand clinging to his shiny leather sandals. Yes, we're talking about Alexander the Great, the only man to have used 'world domination' as a personal hobby. But what if, just what if, he'd had WhatsApp in his arsenal of conquests?
A Different Kind of Conquest
Firstly, let's address the elephant in the room, or rather, the pachyderm on the battle field (Hannibal isn't the only one who gets to have fun with elephants in history). With WhatsApp at his fingertips, Alexander could broadcast battle plans with the efficiency of a seasoned influencer sharing their breakfast choice. Forget the laborious business of signalling with flags or sending riders on weary horses. No, Alexander would simply form a group chat, 'The Alexandrians' sounds suitably intimidating, don't you think?, and voila, instantaneous updates for his generals.
Group Chats and Epic Strategies
Imagine a scenario where Alexander's generals are scrolling through a barrage of messages as their notifications beep incessantly. 'Strategy for beating Darius' could be pinned at the top, followed by instant polls like "Should we turn left at the Gaugamela junction?" Instant tacky stickers featuring pouting busts of Alexander himself could serve as rewards for strategic brilliance, "You cracked Persia, here's a sassy Alex sticker!"
And you can be sure that Alexander would make a decent admin. Gone would be the days of whispers in tents contemplating strategies under flickering torchlight. No, Alexander would demand the use of emojis to illustrate their tactical movements. Want to flank the enemy? Simple, just send a row of sneaky, side-eye emojis to the group.
Affairs of the Heart, the Head, and the Electronic Device
A philippic-loving romantic at heart, it’s intriguing to consider how Alexander's human relations might have evolved with a bit of electronic assistance. Forget sending presents back home, why not just ping his mum, Olympias, a quick status update? "Successfully annexed Egypt today, Mum! Look at their pyramids – better keep that a secret or I might build some of my own!"
Or consider matters of the heart. Perhaps a young Alexander sends a cheeky, encrypted "u up?" to his fond favourite, Hephaestion. We can't forget that with every charismatic conqueror comes a network of loyal friendships and romantic intrigues that would put a Netflix series to shame.
Whenever WiFi Would Roam
Of course, while strategy and correspondence are important, the search for WiFi would become part and parcel of Alexander's trail. His men, now more tech-savvy than ever, create a relay of WiFi hotspots as they progress, like planting olive trees alongside their route, a tasty portable connection for their portable devices. One wonders whether the famed Library of Alexandria might have had a cutting-edge chat history, fibbing about the trials and travails of the world conqueror.
From Map to App
One cannot skip the Chief Chief Technical Officer (CTTO) of Alexander Inc., otherwise known as Ptolemy, yes, that Ptolemy. With WhatsApp, he becomes not only a confidant but a meme-making machine, posting witty depictions of their victories on ancient paper-like backgrounds. They'd call them Ptole-memes.
Even as they cross into India, legend might have melded with algorithm. Building the administrative capacity would be child's play with spreadsheets to track the respective elephant herds or ensuring that each city gets its required olive quota.
The Most Successful 'Great' Group
In a tricolon-or-never triumph, Alexander creates the ultimate WhatsApp group chat history. "Great Chat Logs of the Greats", featuring rich discourse on topics such as "Sand or Sordid? Desert Hacks," and "Hellenism: Olive or Leave It Alone?", would provide an insightful trip through one of history’s most ambitious and daring rules.
So there you have it, history nerds and tech enthusiasts. If Alexander the Great had WhatsApp, he'd have conquered the world even quicker, all while keeping his mother in the loop and his admin pages clean. Perhaps, in some parallel universe where history and technology love to cross swords, Alexander's ambitions echo in sound-bites of WhatsApp wisdom, his world empire an everlasting group chat.
